At the age of 15, Ellen DeGeneres was sexually assaulted by her stepfather, whom she calls a “very bad man.” When she told her mother, she wasn’t believed, and for 18 years.
We can’t say Ellen’s mother is an uncaring, unloving mother. What we can say is she lacked courage.
Thinking your child may have been sexually abused is like an arrow pointing straight at a parent’s heart. Thinking your child’s abuser may be the person you love and have chosen to spend your life with is like the arrow piercing your heart, breaking it into irreparable pieces.
For some with a low threshold for pain and horror, the truth may be too much to bear. Without incontrovertible proof, they can’t take that leap of faith to believe the truth that will shatter their life and the lives of those they love.
When facing torture, it is human nature to look for an exit door. Some parents see the word “Disbelief” written on that door. It is also human nature to lie, to varying degrees and for various reasons. Because lies can be packaged and put on a shelf, and torture can’t, disbelief can save the day. Life can return to “normal” again, in the eyes of the parent.
As a society, we have been enabling disbelief, and we must stop because we are all responsible for children. To change, we need a powerful weapon, and that weapon is knowledge:
- Child abuse is an epidemic that can strike any family in any neighborhood. It has no boundaries.
- Children tell an average of seven adults about abuse before a report is made.
- Experience and statistics show it is very rare for a child to lie about abuse.
- 95% of cases of child abuse are perpetrated by someone the child knows.
- Adults are responsible for acts of child abuse, never the children.
- Neither the child, the trusted parent, nor the abuser, are ever alone. There are people who care and understand. Healing is possible; there are professionals who can help and without judgement. All someone has to do is reach out to them.
- When children are forced to keep abuse a secret, it becomes toxic with horrendous side effects, lasts a lifetime, and perpetuates abuse.
When we start enabling courage, provide safe places for children to be heard, and support the healing process for families, only then will we end the epidemic of child abuse.